Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.