WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My therapist after every session
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.