They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Note to self: I am a note
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria