Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
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Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Wait for it
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.