gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
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me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.