Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
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“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Do not levitate over flowers
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…