[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.