Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
You Might Also Like
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.