Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*