Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.