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@Smooheed: Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
@omgthatspunny: How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram!
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom]
Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."
@mstluvstrinkets: You Shook Me All Night Long is a great song that also describes what I do to my husband when he's snoring.
@ewfeez: Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.
@Thedudish: I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.