COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Somebody’s lying.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My daily affirmation
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.