Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Put a ring on it
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.