[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?