[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
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[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.