*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
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Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb