Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
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I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Support your local cemetery
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
this is the greatest thing ever
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways