*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”