At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
So the ex texted me
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Me too 😆
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great