casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated