Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.