Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
True
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away