[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.