i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’m awake but I object,
that wasn’t the question
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”