WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Oh deer
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs