This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.