WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
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“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill