[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO