X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
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Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
People buying plungers never look happy.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
lost dog
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.