Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh