I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes