My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Traveler’s camo
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.