Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml