@BigRadMachine: Y'all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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@MakesYouGiggle: Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job? Me: Because being broke and homeless didn't really call out to me.
@jakob_huber: Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying "it's not safe to talk on the phone right now"
@Kyle_Lippert: Give a man a fish & he'll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That's weird" Teach a man to fish & he'll be all "Again with the fish?"
@SortaBad: Taco Bell manager: I'm sorry, you didn't get the job. It's your drug test Me: so you mean... Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply