yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Catering service
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there