Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I have questions??
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.