Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂