[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
You Might Also Like
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.