*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
How I like cutting carbs
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.