Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
How it started How it’s going
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.