You Might Also Like
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Hot hot hot 🥵
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I just ran a .003048K
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no