@bush_piglet: Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn't know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.
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@jonnysun: [puts cone of shame on dog] ME: (to dog) sory buddy DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
@JaneBadall: "I'd hit that." Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.
@Tmoney68: People always ask why I'm wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
@david8hughes: The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.