I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
what day is it?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”