Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
So true for me
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”