Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.