If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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HOW DARE YOU
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard