Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Come back with a warrant
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?