You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything