yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
doing some research
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.