yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.