Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“our sushi is very fresh”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.