Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
All. The. Damn. Time.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.