Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away