I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*seductively eats two tums*
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it